By Raj Mistry
What if most of who you are isn’t actually you?
You may feel like you’ve built yourself—your personality, your habits, your way of thinking. And to some extent, that’s true. But if you look closely, how much of it is truly your own, and how much has been shaped by the world around you? Your name wasn’t your choice. Your earliest behaviours weren’t conscious decisions. Your way of speaking, reacting, and even thinking was observed and absorbed long before you were old enough to question it.
Much of who you are wasn’t deliberately created. It was collected. You picked up pieces of the people around you, adapted to your surroundings, and gradually built an identity out of what you repeatedly experienced. And somewhere along the way, you started calling all of it me.
You Learn by Watching, Not Just Being Told
As children, we don’t fully understand the world. We observe it. We watch our parents speak, react, handle stress, express anger, and treat other people. Without even realizing it, we begin to imitate what we see. That’s how much of our learning begins—not through instructions, but through examples.
If a child grows up in an environment filled with anger, disrespect, or chaos, those patterns can gradually become normal. Not because the child consciously chooses them, but because they are the behaviours the child repeatedly witnesses. Later, when those same patterns appear in the child’s own behaviour, we question the child without always questioning the environment that helped shape them. On the other hand, a child who grows up around respect, patience, and understanding has the opportunity to absorb those patterns too. They learn different ways of responding to frustration, handling disagreements, and navigating relationships.
This is why children often follow examples more closely than instructions. You can tell a child not to watch television while eating, but if they repeatedly see you doing it, your actions may carry more weight than your words. The same applies to how you speak to others, manage your emotions, and respond when things don’t go your way. You cannot expect someone to learn a behaviour from your instructions while repeatedly watching you practise the opposite.
And this process doesn’t stop when childhood ends.
Your Environment Quietly Shapes You
The people you spend time with, the conversations you engage in, and the attitudes surrounding you can influence you more than you realise. Spend enough time around people who are curious, ambitious, and willing to grow, and you may find your own thinking expanding. Their conversations introduce you to new possibilities. Their habits influence your standards. Their willingness to learn encourages you to question what you already know.
The opposite can happen when you constantly surround yourself with negativity, complaints, and a lack of effort. Over time, you may begin accepting things you once questioned. Your standards can gradually shift, and behaviours that previously bothered you may start feeling normal. Not necessarily because you consciously decided to change, but because you adapted to what you repeatedly experienced.
You don’t just live in your environment. Your environment slowly lives in you.
This influence becomes even stronger when acceptance enters the picture. We all want to belong somewhere, and when we feel different from the people around us, we sometimes begin adjusting ourselves to fit in. We soften our opinions, change our behaviour, and suppress parts of ourselves because standing apart feels more uncomfortable than going along with the group.
Initially, these changes may seem insignificant. You agree with something you don’t entirely believe, laugh at something you don’t find funny, or participate in something you wouldn’t have chosen on your own. But when these adjustments happen repeatedly, you can gradually become a version of yourself designed around other people’s expectations. Eventually, you may not even notice the difference between what you genuinely believe and what you’ve learned to accept because everyone around you believes it.
Are You Choosing, or Just Absorbing?
This is where awareness becomes important. If you never stop to examine your habits, beliefs, and behaviour, you may continue absorbing whatever surrounds you without questioning whether it deserves a place in your life. Your mindset, standards, and reactions will keep developing, whether you consciously participate in that process or not.
That doesn’t mean your environment completely controls who you become. You still have the ability to question what you’ve learned, reconsider what you believe, and decide which patterns you want to keep. But you cannot make those choices if you never recognise the influence in the first place. Before you can change something, you have to notice it.
Start by looking at the people and situations that occupy most of your time. Pay attention to the conversations you repeatedly have, the behaviours you have started accepting, and the beliefs you defend without remembering why you believe them. Ask yourself whether these things genuinely reflect your values or whether you’ve simply become accustomed to them.
You don’t have to reject everything you’ve learned or distance yourself from everyone who thinks differently. The point isn’t to become suspicious of every influence. It’s to stop treating every influence as something you must accept.
Choose Your Environment Carefully
If your identity is shaped partly by what surrounds you, then choosing your environment is also choosing, to some extent, who you become. You may not always be able to remove certain people from your life. Family responsibilities, friendships, and circumstances can make that difficult. But you can become more intentional about how much time and energy you give to different influences.
Limit the influences that consistently drain you, and make more room for the people, conversations, and experiences that help you grow. Expose yourself to different perspectives. Spend time with people who challenge your thinking rather than simply confirming everything you already believe. Be willing to learn from others, but also be willing to disagree with them when something doesn’t align with your values.
Most importantly, don’t assume that familiarity means something is right for you. Just because you’ve always behaved a certain way doesn’t mean you must continue doing so. Just because everyone around you believes something doesn’t make it the only way to see the world. And just because a habit feels like part of your personality doesn’t mean it cannot change.
You can acknowledge where your patterns came from without allowing those patterns to dictate where you go next.
Final Thought
You are not entirely who you think you are. You are, in many ways, a reflection of what you’ve repeatedly experienced, observed, and absorbed. Your environment has influenced your beliefs, your relationships have shaped your expectations, and the people around you have contributed to the person you’ve become.
But recognising that influence gives you something valuable: the opportunity to choose more consciously.
You don’t have to keep every belief you’ve inherited. You don’t have to repeat every behaviour you’ve observed. And you don’t have to remain the person your environment encouraged you to become.
Start paying attention to what you’re absorbing. Question what no longer serves you, and be deliberate about what you allow to shape you.
